I AM
I have to admit something. Sometimes I have no Idea who I am. Is that bad? I mean, really, Why should I know who I am? I’ve been so many people throughout my life that it leaves it very hard to answer the question, who are you? It makes it incredibly frustrating when people make the assumption of “knowing you” even when it comes to the people closest to you. I feel bad sometimes though. I don’t like the fact the people who mean most to me have to readjust to the person I become from one year to the next and it definitely makes it nerve wrecking thinking that someone who used to love you might not be able to handle the next phase of your life.
My life has been an entertaining one to say the least. I stopped talking about it because it brought up old baggage that I know most people just want to let go of. However, I understand now that it was those events that made the biggest impacts on my life. It caused the greatest growth and though I am still far from letting go of the past, I’ve learned to live with it and accept it as my life. I’ve had to learn again never to hold anything back. I’ve never felt more free, ever, in my life and I know now that with this new endeavor I’m going to piss off some people. I know that most are not ready to face their demons or are not ready to look through the looking glass. I know that most people are not ready to wake up and experience a different reality that which they have been raise to accept. I know that most people are not ready to take a walk through this mind but I also now that there will be some people out there who are on the same journey as I am. A journey of mental and spiritual growth. All I ask you to do is walk with me and listen to my ramblings. I understand if you decide to walk away after some time and that we all may not be going to the same destination, though I hope some of you are along for the long trip. I hope that some of you will not be the same people you were last year. I hope that with every day you slowly turn into some better version of your former self and don’t be discouraged if one path didn’t lead you to where you thought it would. Know that all there is to do is get up and start a new path.
I’ve gone from being a poor kid spending his childhood in the dessert of Southwest Texas to a poor Hispanic kid growing up in The Region. I’ve been a welfare kid afraid of my once hero, who rose to become a hero in someone else’s eyes. I’ve been a man who has loved many and hated the world, wanting to burn it down with myself in it. I’ve known hatred and have had absolute peace. I’ve gone from an absence of religion to an abundance of it , only abandon it all together and put my faith into something that feels more….real. I’ve known what it is to struggle. I’ve known what it is to work beyond your means and I know what it feels like to just give up. I’ve seen suffering and I’ve see prosperity I’ve seen hope where there should be none and I’ve seen love overcome hatred and mistrust. I’ve been the person who chastises and points the finger. The person who judges, antagonizes and provokes and I have been the one that has had fingers pointed at him and has been called “ a bad influence”. I am a follower of logic and sense but at the same time have experienced things that should never have been possible. I’ve seen things that couldn’t possibly have been true. What is truth though? Perception? If truth is just a matter of perception and if my perception, my realities have been altered in some way over the course of my life, then the truth that follow them, should also have been altered and if my truth have been altered and continue to be altered with every experience that passes me by, how can I possibly be the same person I was before?
I’m happy with who I am. I love it when people talk about me as if they think they have a firm grasp of who I am. I love surprising people when they expect a certain response or reaction from me only to find a completely different outlook. A completely different perception. A completely different person. But just because I’m different doesn’t mean I want to be alone. Be a different person with me. Walk with me. Talk with me. Learn with me. Grow with me and maybe, just maybe, we can get enough people to see our reality and If those people can learn to accept that it’s ok to not know who they are because they have evolved into a state of constant growth, then maybe we all one day will finally see a society at peace with themselves and Hell, that doesn’t sound like to bad of a place at all.
I am not who I was yesterday , and tomorrow, I will be some who I am not today and when anybody asked me to tell them about myself I will respond simply as
I AM
"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled. whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence- whether much that is glorious-whether all that is profound- does not spring from the disease of thought- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect." Edgar Allan Poe
"Don't be afraid,that ringing you hear in your ear is just a bit of
BRAIN NOISE....."