The Shadow within
This is something I don’t really like speaking about, but with respect to the purpose of this page, I’m going to. The last couple months, an issue I battled with 15 years ago has crept back into my life. I don’t like speaking about it or even mentioning it because I refuse to show any signs of weakness to the outside world. To many, I have always been a person with strong character that can handle everything life throws at him. I have been through things that would ruin some people, and for me to accept that I am just human, is sometimes hard for me. Yes, I know this is a flaw and it only causes more hardships down the road, which is why I am here again.
For the last decade and a half, I have managed to keep these feelings back by becoming a huge busybody. I consume myself in work and activities, I practice a very positive outlook on life, and lastly, I write.
Recently, the ghosts of my past have come back to haunt me, I don’t want to get into the details but if you are a fan of my page, you have read about many of my experiences. Even though I am by no means an old man, my age , and the years of working myself to the bone , have started to catch up to me and I have been unable to be as preoccupied with things as much as I am used to, or need to be in order to keep my mind from roaming back.
I noticed a couple months ago that my mind would unintentionally begin to wander into memories that I have tried to repress. Not that they were all bad,(some of them were) just that the thoughts would inevitably create a longing , or the questioning of “what ifs?” I started to look at current events and the state of humanity and I was unable to find anything positive, which is uncharacteristic of me. This started weighing me down. I made attempts to reach out to people but because I never make my intentions clear, my requests usually go unanswered.
Soon, I found myself withdrawing, drinking, questioning the point to everything. My heart was heavy and my soul was empty.
I finally worked myself up enough to mention my depression to my wife, even though I still refused to go into details on why I felt this way. See, my refusal to unload my closet onto people is not caused by pride, as some would think. I am a true Empath, and I know what it’s like to have people project their entire baggage onto me. I don’t mind, mostly, I can process it and rid myself of it eventually, I just don’t want to do this to anybody else. Some people can not handle this like I can, but that’s besides the point, My junk is mine to deal with. Fortunately my wife knows this about me, so she never pressed me for more details. I hated saying anything at all though. Through all of the hardships that have come our way in our 13 years of marriage, one thing has always persisted, my strength to carry us through . For me, admitting weakness was hard and THAT, that is pride.
Recently the devastation of Hurricane Harvey has been on the news. Though people in the areas affected have lost everything, the response to this disaster has been incredible. Everyday, I am seeing people ban together to help in the rescue and relief efforts. People from all Race and backgrounds, people from across the country, some from across the world have joined together to bring some kind of assistance to their fellow man. This has brought me much comfort and inspiration. In a time of darkness, there is light. In a time a hardships, there is gentleness and in a time of extreme hatred and selfishness, there is kindness and generosity. A flame has begun to shine through the shadows and even in the darkest night, the smallest flame can light the world.
Lately, I have begun to feel at peace. I have taken time for myself to be with my family. I have allowed myself to experience the thoughts and emotions that had previously denied. I am allowing myself to evolve spiritually. With the support of my beautiful wife , my loving children and my fellow human beings, I am reminded of how fortunate I am and that my strength and ability to see beauty and positivity in things that most people don’t, my ability to communicate with others, and my ability to see different perspectives are a gift that I have been able to share. I am reminded of the good I have done, the efforts I have taken and the pursuit of my life's goal; to leave this world better than how it was when I came in. The love I have for my family and for my life will be my foundation.
I know that I may never completely rid myself of my shadows, but I am fortunate enough to be reminded that with enough light, these shadows will never have the power to engulf me.
Don't be afraid.... That ringing you hear in your ears is just a bit of ...
BRAYN NOISE
The views expressed at Braynnoise.com are those of the authors only. You are not required to agree with or even read, so if you get bent out of shape about his views for any reason, that's your business.