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Satellite

September 15, 2018

Brayn

Well, It’s been a while since the last time I’ve written. I had planned to write immediately after the experience that most people find themselves at odds with; The 20 Year High School Reunion, back at the end of July, but after mine, a different sense of self suddenly hit me. Certain events left me at odds with everyone and everything , and I had an epiphany; I am alone in this universe and that’s okay with me.

 

I don’t know why exactly this event turns into such a life altering moment for certain people. My belief is that when one is reunited with the faces they still see in their minds as children running through the halls of their alma mater, and experience these new faces with the wears of life and time, and successes and failures, this reality of the finality of life has an odd impact on the mind, especially if the receiver of this has not witnessed these faces as life has  transitioned them into the people they are now.

 

For me however, it was different.I had a lot of fun at my reunion.I had a friend and his family from out of town come and stay with my, briefly, for this event. I loved seeing my old acquaintances, and seeing the life on their faces. I had great conversations and enjoyed greatly hearing about their family, and their successes, their trials and tribulations and lastly, when they finished their interviews with “so, ya. Things are going pretty well.” It was a good event, but my epiphany was yet to come.

 

 

 

I digress, I should have seen this coming. There were signs.  I had joked to my wife earlier that week, before the event, that I had already lived through that reunion multiple times, in my mind, and that I did not see a good ending. After listening to two of my buddies talk about how their “If I won a million dollar” dream were for all of us to live next to each other with our families and travel together, I realized that I had never had that fantasy. While conversing  with my visitors, while having drinks on my patio, I prophesied how and why the fest would turn sour, but I don’t think they fully understood my premonition. Turns out, it played out exactly like I had forseen it, and before the night was entirely done, I would be left with a true understanding of my place in the universe.

 

The details that pertain to the misunderstandings that lead to my reality check and the events that followed are irrelevant; Really, they were entirely predictable, however, the following morning I woke with new eyes. It took me a couple days to accept what I had already felt, hell, what I had felt all my life, really; That in this universe there is only me and the hundreds of people that orbit like satellites around my life, like the Moon to the Earth, like the planets to the Sun, like the Sun to the Galaxy; always around me but never really with me. Eternally bound but never connected. Like all satellites, we amuse ourselves with their presence and even marvel at their beauty. I speak to them as they pass around, I enjoy their presence while they are there. I interact with them, I drink with them ,  I love them, I have kids with them , but as soon as the wind turns, I’m left alone. Bound but never connected. It’s true that some people orbit closer to me than others, some I have even formed a sense of recognition with, formed a life with, knowing that their orbit keeps them closer to me than others , I sometimes even fool myself into believing that one day we will be one, together, forever… but that’s not how my reality works, I have found.

 

Before I continue I should probably acknowledge that this is mostly my fault, at least I think it is. I’m not entirely sure. I know I have developed a powerful defense mechanism because of my childhood life, which is what keeps me away from any family I have.  I also know that I have made choices in my young adult life that others around me didn’t understand or approve of (mostly alcohol,women, rage and drugs). Some of my actions have given me a reputation that people around me are either intimidated of or untrusting of and even though I try with all my might to rid people of these perceptions of me( now so close to my 40s) or fool myself into believing that those that orbit closer to me know me well enough to understand these reputations came from an angry young man and are not the person I have grown to be,  I am always faced with reality when even the closest of these satellites, speak to me or treat me as if they are speaking with the foolish young man I used to be, and despite my decades of growth, I am untrusted, I am accused, I am diguarded , just as easily as I was then.

 

So that is how my story ends. There is no repentance. There is no forgiveness. There is no Forward, at least, not with my current satellites.

 

So I guess,  it seems as if I am left with two choices. The first is keeping the familiarity of my current escorts, knowing they will never accept the person I have grown to be ,continuously orbiting around me, leaving me with a constant, desperate and agonizing longing to be connected, but knowing that even though we are forever  bound we will never be one,

 

Or

 

I get all new satellites, who will orbit around me, never really  knowing the person that was the catalyst to the person they now know, who, because of this knowledge will orbit around me, like asteroids, bound but never connected……

 

I guess the only real thing to do is just keep spinning around the galaxy until I am consumed by the fucking Black Hole at the center. Desperate. Alone.

 

Don't be afraid....

That ringing you hear in your ears is just a bit of ...

 

BRAYN NOISE

 

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