Trip into the new Year
"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes."
Buddah
Family Meditation time was semi-successful today. My oldest son was annoyed for being torn away from his gaming, but he sat there quietly and let the others meditate. He'll come around. I'm starting them all on daily mediation. We are starting to get to the point in our lives when frustrations, anger and insecurities are starting to affect our everyday lives, and just as meditation is helping me center myself, I hope it will also help them.
I'm pretty excited. In 3 days I'll be taking a trip down to Texas to see my family. I haven't been there in 11 years and I desperately miss the desert. I do so love the desert. There is a sense of true peace there that I have never gotten anywhere else before. When I was younger and trying to recover from my addictions, I went back there to re-center and clean up. It was a new beginning of sorts, being so close to an end.
"The desert is natural; when you are out there, you can get in tune with your environment, something you lose when you live in the city."
Robyn Davidson
After the year I had , I sense that there is another new beginning coming for me , so from where I first started, back I go to start again. I can only hope that this change will be a positive one. For every beginning, there must be an end, and though it saddens me to end anything, I am starting to understand my teaching of letting go of attachments and let the world flow as is. For the longest time I have accepted any, and all burdens people have thrown at me ranging from accusations and insecurities to just basic anger, and I have taken it all, mostly because I have always thought I deserved them, but that time is over.
It's a 21 hour drive to get down to the part of Texas I am from, but it's the driving that I get the most excited about. Driving has always served me as a form of meditation. From the first time I got behind the wheel of my first car, I would take long drives to clear my head and just think. For the majority of my time up in the Mid-west, I have also lived by a major Highway. I find the sound of cars on the road very comforting. I would sometimes just sit on my front steps for hours and watch the cars go by, imagining where they would be going and what the lives of their riders would be like.
Most of all, I get to see my family, which I have also not seen in a long time. My mom doesn't walk very well anymore so having her visit me is no longer possible . I get so caught up in the everyday hustle of work, volunteering and my family that I sometimes run out of time to do other, very important things. That may all be partly the reason though. The truth is that it has become very hard for me to see my family. It brings up very sour memories, so I think I do a lot to distance myself from them, but I know it is causing them a lot of unnecessary hurt as well, and that's not fair. I love them very much.
Though I may be heavy in spirits right now, there is lots of jubilation. I get to spend lots of time with my wife and 2 sons. They are growing up so fast and I know there is not a lot time left before they start wanting to go off on their own. I am excited because my boys have real adventurist spirits, so I know being on the road is going to make them very happy, and I am excited to show them where I spent my childhood and show them the true beauty of the desert. I am excited to spend more time with my wife. She is a great woman who is hitting a different time in her life as well. We have been married for almost 15 years but it seems as if we are heading into a different time in our marriage. We are more open with each other about our expectations and are communicating better than we ever have. We have decided to each except the growth we have done since the day we exchanged our vows. Luckily, love has never been an issue for us, but where there is no trust, there is no relationship. I trust her to love me for who I am, and I hope she trusts me to love her for as long as she lives.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin
This trip means more to me than one may think. I really do hope I find what I am looking for and hope that I am able to prepare myself for what may come in this new year. For the longest time, I have always taken comfort in knowing where I would be in the new year to come and who would be standing next to me. This is the first time where I am daring not to focus on this and just let things be. As history has shown me, things can change in a second. It's best to just live in the present, accept the past and allow whatever future the universe has waiting for you.
Don't be afraid....
That ringing you hear in your ears is just a bit of ...
BRAYN NOISE