So. I have been following the ways of the Buddha now for a handful of years. Though I admit that I am not that skilled at it yet, I do try to be mindful of the teachings. I have always had trouble following organized religions. As a kid, I was not often forced to attend Church. As a teenager, I became obsessed with religions, many of them, but mostly the one I had somewhat of an understanding of. I started with the Bible. I read it front to back and developed a rudimentary understanding of the teachings of the Old Testament, as well as the teachings of Christ, The words of Christ is what stuck with me the most. The rest of the Bible caused more questions than answers.
Throughout my late adolescence, I became more of a hedonist ( Girls, Parties, Drugs) and developed quite a reputation for myself, A reputation that would end up following me for decades, even though, even then, I knew it was all bullshit, however, I did enjoy the attention, the respect.. and the fear. I was known as the guy that could out drink anyone and had no problems experimenting with all sorts of drugs. I had always been known as an asshole, I spoke my mind and, because of my size and sports background, I was considered to be an intimidating figure (which I found ironic because in reality, I would often times try to deter fighting by using intimidation) anyways, I was gritty, tough, and I knew it. Though in my youth I was an extremely overweight man, because of my newer exploits, I had lost most of my weight and with the help of my heightened reputation, had become somewhat of an attraction for women. My ego grew fierce, but inside, I was lost and alone.
When I met my future wife in 2002, I had already left my hard partying days and had cleaned up. I tried desperately to separate myself from the reputation I had developed. My new girlfriend belonged to a devout Catholic Family. She was humble, honest, modest, and beautiful. Everything I wasn't, at the time.
We got engaged in 2004 but to be able to marry in the Catholic Church I was to complete my Holy Sacraments and get my Confirmation, which tossed me right back into Catholicism. This time, I was to do it right, so for the next couple of years and through the birth of my 2 sons, I would attend Church and follow the teaching as well as I could, but like always, questions would occur and hypocrisies would present themselves in the Church. This is around the time I started going through my Spiritual Enlightenment, though I like to think my Spiritual Enlightenment started about a decade earlier through my LSD trips. I ultimately left the Catholic Church and all denominations of Christ for good, though I still loved the teachings of Christ, himself. You see, Christ was about being humble and doing for others. In the stories, he sacrificed his life for the souls of all living humans. I like that thought.
While studying multiple religions out of curiosity in my youth, I stumbled across Buddhism. Fact is, my nickname has been Buddah since I was 14 years old, so... I had a strong attraction to the teachings and the thought that,unlike most other religions, Buddhism was more of a practice than a religion and Buddha was more of a teacher than a deity. This resonated with me something fierce because it showed by example what it really was to "dump the ego" The teachings of the Buddha was about self enlightenment, about balance, about quieting the mind and finding inner peace; something I had been searching for since I was 18 years old.
" It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
Now back to leaving Facebook. In the teachings of Buddha, one of the biggest lessons is to resist the Ego and to avoid Ego Traps. Facebook is the biggest trap of them all! The constant need to share your daily exploits, your meals, the movies you watch, the restaurants you dine at, the places you visit, your kids, you partner, your every opinion on political or social matters, and finally, for me, my writings.
I started Braynnoise.com in 2015 as a means to filter the Noise in my Brayn, whether in my stories, poetry, essays or rants and rambles, however, the majority of my stories and poetry had been written for years before. I have always enjoyed writing, whether they be in my short stories or highly opinionated essays. I had such a collection of them with no way, and mostly no intent to share them. I was convinced to start this website . A creative outlet of sorts. As soon as I started it, I realized that this was a great idea. I loved the thought of taking the chance to relieve myself of the clutter in my mind, and maybe pick up a fan or 2 but what I liked most of all was that I didn't know if anyone was actually experiencing my words. At least until my ego kicked in.
At the time I started Brayn Noise, I had already been on Facebook as myself, and as myself, I am a pretty highly opinionated man. I loved getting into debates and discussions of the mind. One of my favorite exploits at the time was political debating. After I started Brayn Noise, I created the Facebook page for the website. As I had originally intended, I used the page to share my blog posts, stories and poetry, as well as my off the cuff ranting and ramblings about everyday issues. Again, and as my website was intended to be, the purpose was to filter the noise in my head by putting it down onto paper for whoever may experience it and maybe take away something from it whether, joy, comfort, wisdom or entertainment, It would be at the discretion of the reader, however, though my Facebook page was intended to bring attention to the Web page, it quickly took on a life of it's own.
“More the knowledge, lesser the ego. Lesser the knowledge, more the ego.”
People started flocking to it and people started responding, sharing my posts, and commenting on them. I admit, it was nice to see that people had such interest in the things I said, even if I had originally not intended to get such attention, I began to enjoy it. Soon enough I began to do lots of my writing on Facebook instead of my Website. The desire to draw more attention, be more witty, more profound took over. What had started as a means to use Brayn Noise just to ease my own scatter brain, had turned into an amusement park and most of the 2000 people that were on the page had no idea I even had a Website.
As I grow in my teachings of Buddhism I have begun to understand the dangers of ego and what that brings with it. Need. the need to be heard, Identified, understood, seen, respected, feared, loved. I not only noticed this in my personal life but I also started noticing this in my writing. Where I used to write for myself, I began to need others to experience what I have written, even alter it in some sort.
I deactivated my personal profile, which took with it my 2 pages and many groups. I hope that this will begin to cure my need as a writer to be accepted by other people and finally tackle one of my biggest problems in my life, being accepted by myself. My writing will be done on my website, as it was intended to be from the start. What others may think about it, or whether they enjoy it enough to share it will be their choice and completely oblivious by me.
I'm not sure if I will ever return to Facebook, at least, I know I won't return to it as myself. I did start another account just for the random information and entertainment pages I really enjoyed following. No Friends, no followers, no comments. As for my Brayn Noise page, I hope that one day I can return the page without the functions of comments. The ability to share and move on. If I can manage to do this without paying attention to the responses, then maybe, but this may just be the Ego trap trying to lure me back into the hype.
Don't be Afraid.
That ringing you hear in your ears
is just a bit of